You may think, "Grammar, schmammar. Usage, schmusage," but when you use words incorrectly, you sound as funny as someone wearing underwear for a hat looks.

I'd like to spare you from this fate. You can sound smarter in just ten minutes with "Grumpy Martha's Guide to Grammar and Usage." This list isn't comprehensive, but it covers most of the frequent mistakes I hear. Plus, I give you a fat list of links you can use to get more information and have a little more fun.

Me, myself, and I
A million well-meaning parents are to blame for the rampant abuse of the letter I.

"It's Adam and I, not Adam and me." How many times have you heard that?

The thing is, sometimes "Adam and me" is correct. It depends on whether you are the subject or object of the sentence.

Are you glazing over yet? I understand and sympathize. But don't worry. There's an easier way to remember whether you should say I or me: Leave Adam out of the equation.

If you're asking yourself, Hmmm, is it "Adam and I went to the store," or "Adam and me went to the store," just try thinking of the problem without Adam. You wouldn't say "Me went to the store," would you? So "Adam and I" it is. Nor would you say "Lucy gave I the ball." Which is why "Lucy gave Adam and me the ball" is correct.

(By the way, when you want to get fancy and use the word myself, use it only for emphasis. It's not a substitute for me. "I love grammar, myself," you might say, when discussing language with your friends. But don't say, "Give myself a potato chip, please." Or "Talk to myself about your problems.")

Avoid "X-rated" expressions
They're not actually X-rated, but if you think about them that way you can remember that there is no x in etcetera. Nor is there one in espresso.

Etcetera is Latin. It means "and the rest." Espresso is Italian, and it describes how coffee is "pressed out." It doesn't have anything to do with speed and therefore is not related to the word express. Although it can certainly speed you up if you drink it.

Be effective, not affected
Affect is a verb. Look at the a in affect and think "action." The movie affected her greatly.

Effect is a verb or a noun. It's most commonly used as a noun. The movie had an effect on her.

As a verb, effect means to bring something about, especially a change. Encarta World English Dictionary offers this example: They effected their escape through a rear window.

But there's no difference between saying that and saying "They escaped through a rear window," so you should always think twice before using effect as a verb.